I've spent the last 2 days thinking entirely TOO much about things, and it's to a point where I need to just let go of it... there's nothing I can do, you know?
Most, if not all of you who read this know that I have a heart disease that is now requiring that I get a pacemaker. I'm not scared of HAVING the pacemaker. I can't wait to have something that isn't synthetic, such as a beta blocker, to regulate my blood pressure and heart rate. I will get the pacemaker, which will in turn speed up my heart rate, and raise my blood pressure (my regular blood pressure averages 80/50.). I will know for the first time in my life what it feels like to be "normal". To have the energy that most of you have everyday. I don't know what it's like to NOT be exhausted regardless of what I'm doing. I can't wait to be able to jog across a room and not feel like I'm going to pass out. The scary thing to me is the actual procedure that goes along with getting a pacemaker. It's not even all that invasive. It's nothing like your typical heart surgery. I won't have a huge scar, they won't break open my rib cage, etc. It's a simple procedure that requires the Doctor to make only a 2inch incision in my chest, where they would place the pacemaker over my muscle, and string small wires down and rest them on my heart. In just a few weeks' time, the wires will have completely attached to my heart... and VOILA! I feel like a normal human being! But geez, I have to spend the night in the hospital, and regardless of how "un-invasive" it is, it's my HEART! Josh and I were watching a show on the Learning channel 2 nights ago, and they were doing surgery on the Tree Man. I panicked. Outside of BEING BORN.... I've never stayed in a hospital! EEK!!!!